After spending the last two weeks locked up at home with influenza, this week I decided I  wanted to do something special with Ariya, just the two of us.

It’s hard getting any quality time with your first born, after you have a second (3^rd, 4^th etc) born. So now and again I try to be intentional with my time with Ari so she never, ever feels neglected or less important to her sister!

For Mothers Day this year, the husband bought me (and Ariya) a gift voucher for our local nail salon, with the intention of me using it with Ari for special mummy/daughter time. Today we used that voucher.

She was so elated to A. spend time with me alone and B. do something that she sees as being for ‘big girls’ hence, making her feel like a big girl. As expected, she chose two colours for her nails, barbie pink and purple. Watching her in an adult and self care environment was so sweet. She’s suddenly shy and quiet, yet observant and watchful of everything around her. Watching her be both nervous and thrilled when spoken to and asked questions. It’s as though she’s amazed that someone is doing something for her, and considering her wants while doing it.

I will never tire of having these special moments with her. It was the same feeling watching her get her first haircut. Seeing her little nervous/surprised/eager face as she had her hair washed for the first time by someone other than me or her dad was so delightful. Literally. I can’t wait for the day I take her to get her first make up session. See her as a flowergirl. Buy her first formal dress. Don’t even get me started on her wedding day. There’s just something so special about the mother/daughter bond *insert heart eyes emoji*

THEN, then! What started off as such a sweet day did not end that way, and isn’t that just the way it goes in parentville.

Nelson was using some handtools inside to fix some bits and bobs in the kitchen, and not surprising, the loudness of it was upsetting both girls, so I put them in Ariya’s room to play while I finished doing some food prep before I was to join them.

Maybe 10-15 minutes later I head in to check on the girls and make sure Eva’s not eating something she’s not meant to. It didn’t occur to me AT ALL that Ariya would be the one that needed checking on.

As I walk in, I’m faced with Ariya’s ass bent over and naked as the day it was birthed. My initial thoughts is she was taking her undies off because they were irritating her. That was until I scanned the room and noticed a puddle of yellow liquid pooled in her baby dolls wooden bed. Read that again. A puddle of yellow liquid, pooled in her baby dolls wooden bed.

The girl PISSED IN HER BEDROOM. For reasons unbeknownst to me, the girl decided that the best course of action (instead of using an actual toilet) was to squat on top of her dolls toy bed and urinate in it. I guess I should be thankful she found a vessel of sorts to relieve herself in and not on my newly laid carpet. To say I was enraged is an understatement.

All attempts of ‘gentle parenting’ were out the door. Rage and exasperation consumed me.

I know she is only 4. Repeat; I know she is only 4, but how, why, what the hell.

Then the frustration was further fuelled by the fact she couldn’t explain why she chose to wee in on her toy instead of using the toilet. And again, I repeat, I know she is only 4, but this is not what I signed up for when I decided to have cute little innocent, harmless, untainted babies.

Call it hormones, call it exhaustion, call it me reaching my wits end, but I just lost my fragile mind. Was I proud of how I reacted to what she did, absolutely not. I was so ashamed and angry at myself that I went off my tether, but seriously, how much absurdity are you meant to tolerate as a mum before you do in fact go batshit crazy. Constant episodes of these are enough to make the most zen of mothers lose themselves. Or so I tell myself in order to not feel like I’m the only crazy mum out there.

You could say today posed the perfect example of just how contradictory parent life is. On one hand you have the beautiful bonding moment with your child where you are literally experiencing elation and adoration for their delightfulness. Then on the other hand they’re inciting rage and frustration for their absurdity. And herein lies the conundrum of choosing to have children. You gotta take the good with the bad, and make peace with the fact that with all the joy that comes with parenting, it’s also about putting out fires all day long. But let me tell you, cleaning up piss in a bedroom on a toy bed is not a fire anyone wants to put out. 

So today left me feeling exhausted, elated, regretful and humbled. Just another day in the life of a mum.

This is excerpt 9.