Today was a wholesome day.

We had a friends son’s birthday party in the park. It was probably the biggest 5^th birthday I had ever been to with about 300 people in attendance (obvious exaggeration, but not TOO far from the truth haha). But amongst the craziness, it was nice to see and hang out with my girl friends and the hubbies. Since becoming a parent, social gatherings with the girls are few and far between, and more often than not it’s events for the kids that get us together, so I do cherish these moments, albeit manic.

This particular friend of mine is probably one of the most social people I’ve ever known, and that’s big coming from me because I once considered myself a very active social butterfly. My mum would call me a ‘friend collector’ (lol). This seemed to change when I met my husband, and essentially had less time to give. Add children to that mix and you’re left with very, very little time left for yourself, let alone several circles of friends.

At the birthday today, I was having this conversation with a girlfriend. We were reflecting on how many people were there today and how anyone, let alone a working mum, has the time for that many friends. In all honesty, it’s a testimony to this friend of mine that she is so loved and has that much love and energy to give.

But it had me reflecting on a topic I’ve been thinking a lot on lately, that being the topic of friendships and relationships and which of these I’m wanting to invest my time in, and those that have changed and I’m making peace with.

Since being married and having kids, you come to realise that your time becomes limited, and that time becomes precious. It’s a commodity that needs protecting as it becomes so limited and rare. Some relationships adapt to that and understand that, and some don’t adjust to those changes. I learnt this the hard way when I lost an almost 18 year friendship with a friend I grew up with and experienced almost every season of life with. There comes a point in life, where you begin to either outgrow the person you were or outgrow the person they are. More often than not, the two go hand in hand.

In order to make peace with that, I had to weigh up what was more important. Holding on to something or someone because of the sizeable history we have OR letting go of something that was no longer serving me, but instead causing me constant tension and anxiety. For a long time I held on to things because of the history they conveyed, but when you have a family of your own, perception on everything shifts. And it has to, as limited as your time becomes, your energy also diminishes and needs protecting. I realised that my energy was just as precious as my time, and I couldn’t just exert it on things that had expectations of me that were unrealistic.

Having children, being married even, causes degrees of strain in your life and that alone helps you to release yourself of pressures elsewhere that really, are just not needed. Don’t get me wrong, my children and my husband are first and foremost the things that bring me the most joy and elation in my life, but with the good comes the bad too. And with all that, you re-evaluate what’s important to you and what simply isn’t. For me, what’s important is utilising the very limited time and energy I have these days on people, on friendships, on family that add value to the chaos that is life. That uplift, that encourage, that empathise and that understand that your priorities are no longer what they used to be and that the priorities of your life are now your nuclear family above all else. Letting go of people that don’t understand that, or at the very least, keeping them at arms length has been an exercise of sanity and self care for me. Learning that letting go is not a selfish act nor does it make you a bad friend, it’s an act of self love and evolvement.

I had to make decisions that made sense to me from a peace perspective and for me I was at peace letting go of things that no longer served me, or that disturbed my peace.

Not only did I learn to put my peace first, for the sake of my family, I also learnt and was very open to the fact that my actions may cause pain and hurt to people also. We’re all imperfect. Imperfect people, imperfect partners, parents and imperfect friends. We will always fall short. But being open to knowing that about yourself means being open to evolving and improving the ways in which I may fall short in relationships. It’s a journey we’ll always be on if we’re open to self improvement. It’s humbling and rewarding. All of it is. Relationships are just as complex as the people that are in them, but all any of us can do is try our best, be kind, and listen to what your peace requires.

This took a turn I wasn’t initially intending to write on haha, but I guess that’s the way it goes sometimes. The message that wants to be heard is the one that will make it’s way out.

I hope that anyone reading this feels empowered to let go of the relationships that no longer serve you and invest in the relationships that enrich you. Life is challenging enough to have to contend with something that isn’t bringing value to you or at the very least, bringing you joy.

This is Excerpt 15.