Today was as monotonous as they get.

We woke up, not at a time of my choosing, and well before the sun was up, but we got up someway, somehow.

We all had our morning beverage of choice. Eva’s being her dairy free formula (yes, we’re a cows milk protein allergy family, or CMPA as the pros call it haha). Ariya’s was her full cream, full dairy bottle of milk, which at 4 years old, it’s safe to say it’s well and truly staying put.

Hot cup of English breakfast tea with oat milk for me. Microwaved approximately 3 times because mums never truly get to enjoy a hot cup of anything.

We then got dressed. Made separate breakfasts for both girls. Hand fed Eva (as I’m too pedantic to allow her to feed herself just yet). Left Ariya to feed herself, but on a kinder morning, I end up feeing her the bulk of her breakfast, because the girl is as slow at eating as she is at falling asleep. In terms of food fussiness, I’m lucky she doesn’t have many aversions, but it’s torturous feeding her a meal because she takes so, so, so, so, so damn long. Why? I can’t understand. Why does she hold her food in her mouth for so long without chewing? Why does she insist on chewing every single bite about 78 times each before swallowing. Why does she insist on not swallowing until the food is past mush in her mouth? Why does she insist on taking ant size bites of her food and fake gag when she thinks I’ve given her a bite that’s too big? I will never have the answers to these questions, despite how deeply they frustrate me.

Surprisingly, with everyone’s sanity still in tact, we made it out the house to kinder.

Some days kinder drop off is a breeze. Other days require bribery of sorts to get her to let go of me and to go with the teacher. If there’s a carer in the room who isn’t usually in her room, it’s sure to elicit a meltdown. Today though the chicken eggs that have taken residence in the kinder room started to hatch, so the excitement of that left me with no goodbye, but I wasn’t complaining. As much as I’d love to take my time to say goodbye and leave her in a state where she’s happy and safe and comfortable, I don’t have that luxury when Eva is in tow, as Kinder drop offs also coincide with her nap times.

It was then a mad dash back home to get Eva in bed before she fell asleep on the 6 minute car ride home.

Eva’s nap times are some of my most cherished moments in my days. [Some] mums will come at me for that, but mums who don’t admit the same are just lying, or at the very least, lying to themselves. Being a stay at home (work from home) mum, the only respite you get in your day is when your child is asleep. And even then, we’re so busy tending to household chores and before you know it, your baby is awake and you’re back to caring. It’s so highly underestimated just how tiresome and gruelling mum life is. So the last 6 months or so, I’ve made a point to actually REST during Eva’s nap times. I can tend to the chores while she’s awake in between feeds etc. But when she’s asleep, I care for me. I enjoy a HOT coffee, I read a book, I watch my shows, I [window] online shop, I write. I do anything that doesn’t require me moving off the couch. I used to condemn myself for doing that. A part of me felt (and sometimes still do) lazy for needing to stop. I felt purposeless for using those moments to watch some mindless show. Yet the other, practical part of me knows I need this for my inner health. I need this to recharge. I need to, for an hour a day, think of nothing other than if the Love is Blind cast are still together. When you’re the primary carer, the financial and life admin spouse, your brain is never off. The weight of the responsibilities we carry are so burdensome, that if we don’t steal small moments in our days to switch off the noise in our heads, I fear we may crumble under the weight. So that’s how I make peace with doing nothing. Peace with being ‘lazy’. If not for these small but significant moments in my days, I wouldn’t be able to do all that I do.

In the midst of that, I’ve had to make an effort not to compare myself to how other mums manage their days and their time, despite how hard it is.

It’s easy to compare and in return feel inadequate, that you’re not achieving as much in your day as you could be. That you’re not utilising the time you have, like other mums may. Even comparing myself to myself after I had Ariya. I somehow managed to do my 30 minute Kayla Itsines exercise programs during Ariya’s cat naps when she was the same age.

But the truth is, every baby is different, and in turn you are different with each baby. Eva almost killed me in those first 12 months. She’s actually still hard work if I’m being completely honest. Harder than Ariya was. So with Eva, I’ve come to afford myself some grace, and with that grace, I’ve come to allow myself the need to stop. Need being the operative word.

Yes, as mums, we are superheroes, but we are not superhuman. We need rest for our survival, and most days in these last 20 months (side note: I can’t believe I have an almost 2 year old), survival is the state I’ve operated out of, and I’m [slowly] learning to be kind to myself if surviving is all I have achieved in these last 20 months. Some seasons in life will be just that, survival. Doesn’t mean you aren’t capable of more. Doesn’t mean you won’t achieve more. Doesn’t mean your purpose is lost. All of that, AND more will ascend out of me again, and when it does, I will be grateful for the lessons I learnt in the monotony of survival.  

Once again, an entry took a turn I didn’t expect it to, but for that, I’m grateful. I just hope my rawness and my honesty helps people feel safe and connected and that they’re in good company. Everything we are going through has no doubt been felt by another who walked the path before us. We are never alone on this journey of motherhood, if only we were kind and brave enough to tell each other our struggles and not pretend we have it all together, all the time. That’s a heavy yoke to carry.

This is Excerpt 16.