It’s been a while between entries, and I hate that. It’s not that I haven’t been writing, I have been, it’s just not as daily as I’d like or complete entries with complete thoughts either haha. I completely overestimated my ability to write everyday, despite my best intentions. I started this venture when I was still on maternity leave and not working part time from home, but once that kicked in, any spare time I have in my day, I’m logging into work. So this has naturally (and sadly) taken a back seat. But the thoughts are there and the entries are coming.

Anyway, today was just another day in the life of mothering, wife-ing, adulting. Last night Eva had another dismal sleep with a 5am wake up (kill me). She’s 20 months now, and sadly is still an awful sleeper. She didn’t have her first full night of uninterrupted sleep till she was 14 months old and since then it’s been a couple of good nights in a row with more shit sleeps in-between. Love that for me. Her older sister was the complete opposite. She slept through at 8 weeks old (with the exception of sleep regression periods). So to say we are not accustomed to shit sleep is fair summation, even though we’re 20 months deep into it. I don’t think you ever get used to shit sleep. It hurts just has hard, even if it’s all you know lol.

My husband is a true God send though. He’s knee deep in the trenches with me when it comes to the night settling. Sometimes, he’ll do it all on his own, and barely with a complaint. He’s of the opinion that I do it all alone all day long, so it’d be unfair to let me do the night shift alone also. See what I mean, God send. I complained in a previous post that I don’t have much help when it comes to family, so I’m very grateful that my husband is in it with me as much as he can be.

I must admit, her sleeps have been worse. We used to have to get up over 3 times each night for resettling as she couldn’t quite do that on her own. This resettling was in the form of patting her back to sleep anywhere from 15-60 minutes. 60 minutes was on a bad night. It was not only the broken sleep that would kill us, but having to respond to her in a physical way while we’re half asleep ourselves, was so, so taxing on our bodies and our mental state. So much so that I’m starting to develop early signs of arthritis in my joints. Love that for me also lol.

It was hard not to feel sorry for ourselves, but I had no shame in doing so. This routine is bloody exhausting and most nights both me and Nelson were on 5 broken hours of sleep a night. I know there are so many parents out there who have similar if not worse experiences, so please know, I see you, I feel you and we’re in the trenches with you.

It has since gotten better thankfully. Some night she doesn’t make a sound. Other nights she may cry but will settle herself. Bad nights now will look like maybe 1-2 attempts of resettling that takes no longer than 30 minutes. Still shit, but has been shitter I tell myself lol.

Last night was a particularly awful night as she was sick. She was up every hour for the first 6 hours of the night. On my second attempt of tapping her (Nelson did the first few) I realised her nose was extremely congested, so after tapping her back to sleep, I snuck out of her room, filled up her vapouriser, and snuck back into her room with the stealth-ness of a seasoned ninja and set it up. That seemed to do the trick Thank God.

Despite how long we’ve been doing this whole no sleep mess, you never, ever get used to it. My body is so deprived of rest that it sent my nervous system into overdrive and I just felt hot and cold and shaky and numb all at the same time today. Its no wonder this year my body has started attacking itself in the wildest ways, and I’m manifesting the strangest symptoms and diagnoses. I’m no doctor, but I’d bet my life on the connection.

And again, I’ll harp on about the unspoken, unrecognised sacrifices mothers make. It goes well beyond the 9 months of carrying your child, and deep into the years after birth.

While thick in the settling hour of the night, I was absentmindedly scrolling through Instagram in the hope of keeping me awake, or at the very least to serve as a distraction from the monotony of the tapping. In a twist of fate, I came across a post by a child therapist outlining a personal story about a time she was overtired as a mum of two. Her final statement on her post was so timely for what I was sitting through right in that very moment. It read; “I share this story as hope for the tired parent. In these tough moments, know that sometimes all you can do is acknowledge how hard it is. Sometimes you’ll cry alongside your children. It’s ok to ask for help. It’s ok to acknowledge the hard. And most of all, it’s important that you know you aren’t in this alone”.

As simple as that message is, and as many times as we’ve probably heard it from other mums in the trenches with us, it’s easy to forget when you’re in those ‘drowning’ moments. One thing that gets me through the hardships though, is knowing that you’re not the first to be here, and you won’t be the last. As solitary as parenting can feel at times, you’re never truly alone. All mums you encounter on this journey can share with you the very same hardship they’ve lived through, and surpassed. Surpassed being the operative word. And that alone gives me hope.

I write these entries, firstly as a documentation of my life and the simple, yet beautiful moments I don’t want to forget, but also in the hope it’s what helps another struggling mother during her desolate times feel less alone. Less alone in her experiences, in her struggles, in her feelings, in her exhaustion.

It was a struggle to stay awake today, let alone function at a capacity that my children require from me, but somehow, we find the energy and the strength to get up and to show up for our families. No one else can do what you do for your family. They were given to you because you alone are what they need. I hope you know that and I hope it’s the fuel you need to recharge you.

This is excerpt 17.