I’m back! It’s been a couple of days between writing, and as well intentioned as I was to writing daily, sometimes it’s just not possible. Particularly when you have an 18 month old smack bang in the middle of a leap (developmental milestones for the non parents), growing several teeth at the same time and post vaccinations. Meaning, I have one extreme 5 stage clinger on my hands. I’m unable to leave her sight, and if I do, I’m met with blood curdling screams that are enough to trigger the most patient of parents (which, sadly I am not lol).

So to say it’s been a challenging week, it’s putting it lightly. And alas, is that not every week in the life of parenting? I’m not painting a pretty picture of it am I haha.

So this morning when my sister called me to say she was coming over with my nephews, I was thrilled, because that meant there would be more people for Eva to focus her attention on, besides me haha. Ariya (my eldest) turns 5 soon *waaah* and my nephews are 6 and 5, making Eva the baby of the lot, and really, the first baby they’ve all experienced. Since they were all born around the same time, they were all babies together and grew together, so they’ve never had a baby in the family till Eva. As you can expect, they’re all infatuated with her, and her with them. It’s the most endearing thing to watch.

As a result, my little nephew has been drowning my sister with pleads for a ‘baby sister’ of his own. It’s hard for me not to play into it with him, and plead my sister on his behalf, but no amounts of imploring will work. My sister made her mind up a long time ago that she was so done with having more, that she’d gladly sterilise herself to ensure it didn’t happen again.

This coming from a sister who most of our lives insisted on wanting 5+ kids of her own.

It just goes to show, particularly when concerned with children, you don’t know what you truly want (or don’t want) until you have it.

I never understood how final my sister could be with her statements about wanting none, until I had Eva. Before Eva, I was bewildered every time my sister was unwavering in her reluctancy to have more than the 2 she had. If I’m being honest, I think every time she was so adamant, I felt it a personal attack on my chosen lifestyle for wanting more, rather than seeing it as her trauma. Her trauma of two back to back babies with extreme colic and reflux and sleep deprivation and mental breakdowns [because of the aforementioned]. It’s no wonder she was so absolute in her reasons, and how silly is it that we take such personal offence to someone’s life choices, that have no literal impact on our lives. Or am I the only silly one that feels that way when faced with opposing views? Ha.

Anyway I digress; I never understood her vehemence until Eva. Until I had the most difficult and gruelling baby I could have ever conjured up for myself. Until I suffered my own early parenting traumas, could I fully understand the concept of never wanting more.

I’ve said it before, and I’ll forever say it; parenting is not for the faint of heart. Would I choose not to go down this path to begin with if given the option? Absolutely not. There’s no word to completely encapsulate the love I have for my children, and the love they’ve exposed me too. My life would be purposeless without them. And as difficult as Eva has been, I would choose her again and again and again. But would I choose to have another, and potentially suffer through the early years and hardship of another ‘difficult’ baby…HELL NO. And I say that without shame and without guilt living through what I’ve lived through the last two years (I know she’s not 2 yet, but I include my horrific pregnancy in that equation). I know my capabilities, and I am not capable of living that experience again, and neither is my body.

For that reason, I can definitively say that I now understand why my sister literally recoils when she sees a newborn haha. I wish I was exaggerating. She literally cringes at the sight, and I can now truly relate. For her, for me, (for many others I imagine), that newborn phase is so traumatic that it’s reasonable to have such a physical response to a baby haha, and I mean that in the least offensive way. I know she adores my daughter, her niece, but does she look at her and wish for one, absolutely not, and I totally, totally get it. So, I’m sorry nephew, but I won’t be helping you convince you mama for another haha.

It also just goes to show you truly can’t understand another’s choice or positioning on a topic, until you’ve lived a shared experience.

I could never understand why my sister was so unwavering in her choice not to have another. I understood babies were hard. My first was far from easy, but with the experience of Eva and the power of hindsight, Ariya was easy enough to make me go again. So I couldn’t understand why my sister, who “only” had 4 months of hardship during the colic months would openly say she hated the newborn phase. I couldn’t understand because I hadn’t experienced that trauma, and that’s exactly what it is, it’s traumatic. A baby that screams non stop with no respite, despite infinite tries at comforting, it’s enough to make the sanest of people lose their sanity. Even if it “only” lasted a “short” 4 months. Those 4 months feel unending and relentless, and it sincerely results in trauma. A trauma I only understood once I experienced it. My body now has a physical response each time I hear a baby cry, and let me tell you it aint a positive response haha.

I know I’ve prefaced it already, but there’s nothing I would change at all. Eva is my rainbow baby. She was so longed for you. She was so needed. She brings me the deepest joy and truest completion and I could and would never want a life without her. But that sentiment also rings true in another way, “there’s nothing I would change at all”…life’s so beautiful, and hard and evolving and I wouldn’t change it to include another child. Once upon a time I think I would’ve shamed myself for feeling like that, but life has a way of humbling you doesn’t it?

This is excerpt 13.